tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post2090265671466336806..comments2023-08-09T03:21:13.354-05:00Comments on Letters from Gehenna: The World on a Slant: Ghost in the DwellingDw3t-Hthrhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11584245136407694660noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post-61504910431396459772010-05-23T20:35:35.262-05:002010-05-23T20:35:35.262-05:00re reading this I am struck with my frustation at ...re reading this I am struck with my frustation at the moment with grad school and the idea that I can put the rest of my life on hold, because yes while I have fit things around the huge commitment I have made, that is not the same as being able to walk away from all responablities, to myself, to my community, to the my health and the communities health. <br /><br />No sure if I have a point here beond, this is the same pattern, the same shit that means I am meant to be able to just drop everything and write 16 hours a day, that their are no meals to cook, no one to be cared for, no family to keep together you are asked to care with all your time, and all your energy, so their no time for writing, or anything else.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04404614018142409258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post-45963078754136359662010-05-10T00:05:33.879-05:002010-05-10T00:05:33.879-05:00in my own experience, i have found that for a cert...in my own experience, i have found that for a certain period of time after the baby came, i was happy, and overwhelmed, with just being a mother. i couldn't do anything else because i was learning how to be a mother. once i had that part figured out, it's like the fog lifted and i started to see that there is the woman who is the Mother, *and* the woman who is Still Everything She Was Before She Was a Mother. you don't give up your life when you have kids. yeah sure, you put yourself on hold for a bit, until you remember that there's more to you than the baby you carry on your hip.<br /><br />it's really annoying when people say things like, "Oh, a baby! you have your hands full!" or, "When are you having the next one? You can't just have one!!" or, "Oh just you wait, you JUST STARTED and you've got ANOTHER 18 YEARS." in that stupid effing superior tone. who knows why they do it. it's like this little power game that women play on each other: a grown up version of i-know-something-you-don't-know. <br /><br />anyways, just wanted to say that i think it's perfectly normal to want more than just being Angel of the House (barf!) and maybe you've just gotten comfortable enough with being a mother that you're ready for more. more adult conversation, more adult involvement. from the mothers i have talked to, quite a few of us feel this way. some of them act all snotty when i say that being with my children 24/7 isn't enough for me; i get the, 'i'm a better mother than you because i LIVE for my children' attitude but i just brush it off. sounds like sour grapes to me. maybe that's where your mother is coming from? a generation of women trying to out-mother each other by LIVING for their kids. it's not healthy, if you ask me, all this helicopter-mom garbage. <br /><br />i guess it comes down to asking yourself if you want your children to grow up dying under all your overbearing attention or flourishing under a mother they can see as a complete person. (yeah, that statement is pretty biased to my own position.)Stone Foxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01141709907613987429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post-76535820224566002522010-05-04T20:07:24.541-05:002010-05-04T20:07:24.541-05:00I agree - you gotta stop talking to your mother. ...I agree - you gotta stop talking to your mother. She crazy.<br /><br />What's more, it sounds like she's GLEEFUL in telling you that you've lost your life. Which is both false and just plain MEAN. And while yes, mothers do get a certain amount of evil glee over their children going through the same weird parenting things that they went through, there's "ha ha, you were the same at that age!" and there's "ha ha, now you're not a person, sucks to be you!"<br /><br />It doesn't suck to be you. You ARE a person. You're just a person that's being run pretty close to the edge, and that happens, and parenthood is like that. So's a ton of other things. But nowhere in there is there a "giving up my life" choice made.<br /><br />You are still you. You are a DIFFERENT you, because you are now a mother - YES that's a permanent change. But that doesn't make it a redefinition of who and what you are - it's just an additional role in your life.<br /><br />You are a person. You still have an identity, value, purpose, both as a mother AND as the person you were before you popped out a kid.<br /><br />And I agree, also, that being aware of that now, and refusing to live as nothing BUT a lifeless mom, is BETTER for your child than simply giving up the world for her. She will see that she gets to take care of herself, too, and live accordingly.<br /><br />Sounds to me like you're doing a damn good job.Vievahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15156288385744214737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post-12747097449259849412010-05-02T16:13:52.984-05:002010-05-02T16:13:52.984-05:00ooo, one last thing - 'a mum - that's what...ooo, one last thing - 'a mum - that's what you DO, not what you ARE' ok, it's a quote from an old sitcom (2.4 children if you're interested) but it's stuck with me :Dmamacrowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16484565827023574347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post-41627595366146781442010-05-02T16:10:43.484-05:002010-05-02T16:10:43.484-05:00SHE may have 'given up her life' but that ...SHE may have 'given up her life' but that was HER choice. or, worse, unchoice - like, she didn't even thing about it.<br /><br />whatevers.<br /><br />if she can't be a shining example for you, she'll have to serve as a terrible warning!<br /><br />It is hard sometimes. It's hard to be a mother. It's hard to not be a mother. It's hard to be a mother and work. It's hard to be a mother and not work. It's hard - etc etc, you get the idea! Dosn't mean it will always be hard, and dosn't mean you can't vent/express/grapple/explore the tough bits either.<br /><br />(((HUGS)))<br /><br />(9mths?! Little Foot is NINE MONTHS?! Yegads.)mamacrowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16484565827023574347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post-53641032262253400032010-05-01T15:00:34.444-05:002010-05-01T15:00:34.444-05:00Why in any of the nine worlds are you still talkin...Why in any of the nine worlds are you still talking to your mother?<br /><br />Totally toxic; *wants* to be totally toxic. Cannot be changed or improved.<br /><br />There's absolutely nothing about you that deserves to have to deal with that.Graydonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09839374676813519438noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post-71484458568702161602010-04-28T22:10:35.240-05:002010-04-28T22:10:35.240-05:00my though when reading this post was over-welled b...my though when reading this post was over-welled by "you couldn't be a non person if you tried" their is way to much life in you. <br /><br />Probably not helpful, but their it ischeshirehttp://cheshire.dreamwidth.orgnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post-19167418909576426752010-04-27T13:00:25.752-05:002010-04-27T13:00:25.752-05:00I think what I was trying to say in the previous c...I think what I was trying to say in the previous comment was "not subsuming yourself in your child doesn't make you a bad mother". Or something like that...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post-43642914623825156442010-04-27T11:07:33.921-05:002010-04-27T11:07:33.921-05:00At the same time - she's passing on to you wha...At the same time - she's passing on to you what was passed on to her, whether by her mother or by society in general.<br /><br />If raging against it can keep the same cultural brokenness from being passed on to Little Foot, then your determination to be your own person as well as a mother (because the answer, in my view, would be not to reject the parenthood but to have it included as part of you?) not only benefits you, but eventually her.<br /><br />You probably grew up seeing your mother fulfill this "my life is not my own" thing. What would happen if Little Foot could grow up seeing her own mother show that she can be her own self and still love and take care of her child?<br /><br />(These are rhetorical questions - you've probably thought of most of this already - but I wanted to get them out there anyway.)<br /><br />-gelflingAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post-80122653456483865772010-04-27T01:23:43.901-05:002010-04-27T01:23:43.901-05:00I find it very bizarre that when I read this posti...I find it very bizarre that when I read this posting over at LJ I also saw an add for mother's day. Specifically getting crystal things for my mother in appreciation for her teaching me how to be a mother.<br /><br />A bit of irony there.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4427538608110635294.post-41998479297597337932010-04-27T00:45:17.988-05:002010-04-27T00:45:17.988-05:00I feel like that sometimes too (although I'm e...I feel like that sometimes too (although I'm estranged from my mother so it comes from the culture around me). And then I realise, it's <i>hard</i> to find community and do activism in a culture that really, really, really doesn't respect children (and by extension, their mothers) as fully <i>people</i>. How do you - for example - take your child with you to any activist event if you are expected to be the one who is running after them every other minute <i>not just</i> because you are their mother, but also because <i>the people there do not understand that for children, "running around" is an age-appropriate thing?</i> <br /><br />And so I retreat into this thing that your mother has maybe done; I am angry, I am even bitter, that I have "given up my life" and become an "unperson" and it is not that I don't willingly sacrifice much for my child - I am angry at the rest of the world for wanting me to hide away until he is able to adhere to adult norms and conventions, so when someone says to me (usually a mother with a partner and support) "it's really hard" I <i>do</i> (sorry) say, sometimes, without thinking "well, that's what it's like to have a child" (and then sometimes add, "at least you have a partner to support you"). <br /><br />I try not to. Because I know she is just going through what I am and that we are all angry at the world, but sometimes it's easier to take it out on other mothers who expect the "more" that you've already given up. <br /><br />Which probably makes very little sense reading over it again.Rosemary Cottagehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12204378986946967049noreply@blogger.com