So Tell Me ... What's The Weather Like on YOUR Planet?

10 September, 2009

Not Even The Mommy Trap

An acquaintance linked to a post about 'rescuing' a woman from the workplace in order to have her fulfil her godly-appointed role as a housewife. Or something like that. Bonus fun woman-is-a-subset-of-her-man bullshit, the whole nine yards.

The acquaintance replied to this by saying, well, if you stay home - with or without kids - I don't agree with your choice. I won't hassle you about it, but I don't agree with it.

I'm not replying. Er. I'm not replying directly, I'm passive-aggressively going and fuming about this where said acquaintance probably won't ever know it got mentioned, because I am not fucking up to dealing with this.

Because my first reaction to this has nothing to do with the housewifery, has nothing to do with the fact that I have a month-old child who needs constant care and attention, who I think is better cared for by one of her parents than by other people who we would have to pay for it (and of course that counts as real work because it's caring for other people's children, right?), has nothing to do with all that angel of the household bullshit even in vague theory.

My first reaction to this is, "Well, it's a fucking good thing I don't need your consent for my disability management, now, isn't it?"

Haven't I fumed about this sort of thing before? Why, yes, I have.

And the fact that my health management means that I'm working from home and thus available to give Little Foot the care she needs (even though I know in some cases a professional might be able to do a better job, because a professional doesn't have my mental health disability to manage in the first place) is a bonus, a somewhat precarious bonus on a rough day when I need to hand her off so I don't fracture myself, but a bonus nonetheless.

But the being here? This is me trying to keep my mind more or less in one goddamn piece.

And you know, I feel I can't talk about this shit without including a tagline about how awful it is that some people think that women need to be dragged out of work because it's Inappropriate To Womanhood to be there, and isn't that monstrous? Because I have to make the appropriately pious kowtowing to the outrage in order to point out that something is fucking ablist or ask who the hell is going to take care of Little Foot then?

I ... just ...

... the fucking fuck.

(Pardon. Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker.)

If I don't say anything I won't get Tone Argumented about it.

A couple of links, meanwhile:

How American Health Care Killed My Father - I'm not in agreement with all of it, but a lot of it is right up my alley, and some of the rest is stuff I hadn't thought of and might need to reevaluate on.

Lactate on your own time. Oh, for ...


Anonymous said...

I thought of you when I read that post. *sigh*

Reacting to an extreme position with another opposite extreame position isn't helpful.

And as my therapist keeps reminding me that the airlines are actually correct - I have to take care of myself before assisting others.

Eve said...

Gah, they what? (I'm feeling a bit incoherent at the thought of such extreme points of view)

Suffice to say, I think your thoughts were well articulated. I find myself in a slightly ranty mood (but I'm going to let go of that because I know it's a waste of my energy). Still, why won't people accept that you do what is right for you and your situation, whether that means staying at home or staying in the workplace? And just leave it at that?

Lissy said...

Aughhh! People Suck! Don't work- you're an economic leach, work- you're a sucky mother... fuckety, fuck, fuck fuck- profanity is good!

I've come to the conclusion that no matter what I do (as a parent or otherwise) some sanctimonious shit is going to say I'm doing it wrong, so bugger everyone else's opinion I'll do what's right for me and my son (and any other offspring I may have in the future)...

Peeeeka-chu said...

GYAH! *flailflailflail*

Why should you pass judgment on me for working or not? What business is it of yours??

And the breastfeeding thing just made me go up in flames. I quit nursing my kids at 2 months, not because I didn't want to any more, but because I couldn't find the time (or privacy) to pump enough. Nursing is enough of a pain without rampant stupidity.

Carrie said...

One does start to wonder where people lose the point that feminism is about choices, and that means the ability to choose to stay at home with the baby. Or go out and work. Or whatever other combination is feasible.

I'm sorry your acquaintance felt the need to get self-righteous at you.

Anonymous said...

Where the fuck do people get off approving or not approving of that in the first place? For fuck's sake.

I wanted to write here that I think your baby is lucky to have you around all the time, but then I thought, it doesn't really matter what I think either. And it's not like if you were working (by choice or through necessity) that I would be bemoaning the plight of your child either.

Dw3t-Hthr said...

Dev --

That is seriously one of the things that I wish I knew how to say to this person, in the moments where I want to talk to her as opposed to sticking my head down and trying to dodge yet another "THanks for reminding me why I don't call myself a feminist" emotional meltdown.

(Turns out her big deal is about how homemaking doesn't include health insurance or a retirement plan. And for fuck's sake, the sorts of jobs I can get may have health insurance eventually, but they don't come with retirement plans, and handing off Little Foot to a childcare worker who ... probably isn't getting a retirement plan out of it either, you know ... is just bumping the problem a rung down the class ladder. Which DOESN'T ACTUALLY FIX IT.)

Um, tangent. That was a tangent.

I was commenting to some friends while I was still more actively fuming about this that my current response to "I'll be post-feminist in the post-patriarchy" (a phrase I associate with this person's crowd) is something like, "One of my standards for 'post-patriarchy' is a world where people don't feel entitled to approve of other people's lives."

Bloody entitlement bullshit.

mamacrow said...

wow. bizarre. (the article and your acquantance, not you.)

I find it hard to understand while there are STILL people - often, it seems, lots of people - who still hold onto the 'one size WILL fit all you just have to find the RIGHT size i.e. mine' principle.

I just find it odd.

I'm a stay at home home-edding mum. I don't think everyone SHOULD be just cos they're a woman or something. Hell, some days (like today) I don't think I should be either!

Anonymous said...
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Eve said...

There appears to be a spammy comment (the one that's in Russian, as far as I can tell). I'm not sure what it says, except for something about fisting. Fun.

Dw3t-Hthr said...

Thanks for mentioning, I didn't get a notify on that one. Creepy.

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