(Partially inspired by a conversation I was having with Trinity a few days ago.)
So a long time ago on a discussion group, I got into a conversation about casual sex. This is one of these things that has never held much appeal for me, though I'm not bothered by other people doing it (if those other people were among my partners we'd probably talk about safety concerns but aside from that it's not my business). I'm just not interested in people I don't know reasonably well, and hell, the one time I tried a friends-with-benefits setup (the most casual sex I've seriously contemplated) it wound up turning into a 24/7 D/S commitment.
The reason this conversation lasted more than an "Enh, whatever floats your boat, I'm not into that sort of thing" was the person who responded to me with something more or less resembling the following:
If you weren't brainwashed by a sex-negative culture, then you wouldn't hold that opinion. What you really need is to loosen up, sleep around a little, and see how your perspective changes. Or perhaps you've been damaged by some experience or your upbringing, and if you'd only heal a little, you'd come around.
What struck me about this at the time was that it reminded of certain types of religious proselytisation -- "If you weren't deluded by Satan, you'd understand that this was leading you into hell. Accept your sinfulness and begin to heal, and then you'll come around to Jesus."
What strikes me about this now is that it's a particularly popular attitude from a lot of ideologues: "If you only accepted my position, you'd understand why you're in the wrong. You only fail to agree with me now because you've been brainwashed by The Bad Guys, or because something They did to you hurt you in ways that you don't recognise. I have sympathy for your wounded soul: heal, take off your blinders, and come to Ideological Correctness."
So these days, whenever I come across these people who think that if I were only healthy and properly indoctrinated I'd be a rabble-rousing activist, or unkinked, or a high-powered executive, or bisexual, or Christian, or whatever else they fancy someone like me would only be if I accepted the Truth...
...I find myself thinking back to this petulant guy on a newsgroup who mostly came across as really wanting me to accept his belief that there was something wrong with me so that I would fuck him.
"Dw3t-Hthr" (Duat-Hether) is a title of various female temple officials in ancient Egypt. It means "Worshipper of Hathor" or "Adorer of Hathor".
6 comments:
"If you weren't brainwashed by a sex-negative culture, then you wouldn't hold that opinion. What you really need is to loosen up, sleep around a little, and see how your perspective changes. Or perhaps you've been damaged by some experience or your upbringing, and if you'd only heal a little, you'd come around."
Oy! *headdesk*
That sounds about like the message I got from the polyamorous people around me for a while there. No one straight up said it, but there was a lot of "Jealousy leads to abusive relationships! WHY WON'T THOSE MONOAMOROUS PEOPLE WORK ON THEMSELVES!"
Eh. I tried dating a polyamorous person -- or someone who claimed to be, anyway. It only reaffirmed my knowledge that I'm monoamorous and fit best in a one-on-one relationship. (I can imagine this having very rare and odd exceptions, but it strikes me as highly unlikely I'll ever find myself in them and I definitely don't plan to actively seek them out.)
"...I find myself thinking back to this petulant guy on a newsgroup who mostly came across as really wanting me to accept his belief that there was something wrong with me so that I would fuck him."
Splendidly said.
Don't get me started on the polyidiot brigade and their notions about Teh Twoo Meaning Of Jealousy And How Much Better Than That We Are. It's one of my least favorite stupidities from that one of my nominal subcultures.
It's all the same, though -- "There must be something wrong with you or you'd agree with me. You're aligned with The Devil/The [My Ideology's Word For The Devil], whether willingly or no; come back to the Light!"
The whole notion that someone might not want to fellate the ideology (or the owner thereof) for actual genuine personal preferences, sensible reasons, or because they don't care for giving head just doesn't occur to these numbskulls.
"Teh Twoo Meaning Of Jealousy And How Much Better Than That We Are."
Ha. Yes.
I want to *own* someone. That's what D/s is about to me. Someone who is *mine* and committed to being so.
I never understood, personally, how I was supposed to square my D/s needs with the particular loudmouthed nonsense in the polyamorous subculture that calls wanting to own people retrograde! ;)
(please note that I'm calling the loudmouthed jealousy nonsense stupid, not saying all poly people buy it. just in case that's not clear. IMO jealousy is a totally normal human emotion that can become pathological in some people, no more no less.)
On owning:
I occasionally blow the "But Possessiveness Is Bad And Anti-Poly" people's tiny little minds by pointing out that it's the only reason I'm emotionally comfortable being poly at all (and note I'm one of those people who considers it orientational).
While their heads are still going 'round and 'round I point out that if I weren't damn clear on what's mine I would be threatened by things that might possibly suggest that it might not be. I'm a cranky, territorial beastie, but like actual territorial beasties, that means I know the limits of my territory too. I'm quite happy with "This is all mine, that other stuff isn't mine, but that's okay, I'm not over there, I'm over here". But if I didn't have the mine? Not so much.
My experience of jealousy is that it's a response to threat or perceived threat to what's mine. Sometimes I'm being stupid about what I take as mine (in which case I need to stop being a bitch); other times it's a genuine threat, and really, I'd rather know about genuine threats. I tend to think that the smug bastards who are all "Oh, I'm beyond that" are lucky enough to have never had anything feel like it threatened stuff that mattered to them -- or, in the case of some of the ones I see on livejournal, shallow enough that nothing actually matters to them. :P
"While their heads are still going 'round and 'round I point out that if I weren't damn clear on what's mine I would be threatened by things that might possibly suggest that it might not be. I'm a cranky, territorial beastie, but like actual territorial beasties, that means I know the limits of my territory too."
Stop with that making sense stuff yer doin'! *grin*
"other times it's a genuine threat, and really, I'd rather know about genuine threats. I tend to think that the smug bastards who are all "Oh, I'm beyond that" are lucky enough to have never had anything feel like it threatened stuff that mattered to them -- or, in the case of some of the ones I see on livejournal, shallow enough that nothing actually matters to them. :P"
That's how I feel too. When I feel jealous I know something really matters to me, and that I'd best put effort into that relationship and that bond.
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