Fantasy and Reality

Partly in response to some stuff on my mind; partly in response to discussions in various places; partly in response to a small comment in this post by Trinity at Let Them Eat Pro-Sm Feminist Safe Spaces, my gnawings on, quoting Trin for ease of thingy, "actually living in a relationship that has a steady power relation in it is different than fantasizing about surrendering or even of serving".

This is not going to be all deeply thought out or profound or anything. It's just, y'know, reality of 24/7 vs. fantasy or the occasional scene, from the perspective of my head. Some of this is me-specific; some is probably generalisable; I don't always know which is which.

* Being committed to a relationship that contains a power dynamic doesn't mean that that is always relevant to a given interaction, including an interaction between the partners

* Unless someone is starting out fabulously wealthy, that 24/7 harem slave fantasy isn't going to be 24/7 bonbons, lounging attractively, playing musical instruments, keeping those stomach muscles toned, and sexual favors.

* Sometimes, people are too sick to be exciting.

* Truly being of service doesn't stop at the boundaries of what I like.

* Sometimes service is really boring. Especially if master is too busy with whatever requires assistance to pay particular attention to the service.

* Just because that kink contract includes master's freedom to demand sexual services at any time doesn't actually mean one gets laid more often.

* Sometimes "any time" is "while I'm trying to empty the dishwasher".

* Just because it's awfully hot in one's head doesn't mean that it's easy for one's partner to implement.

* Just because it's the best way to make a particular short-term interaction work for one doesn't mean that it's easy for one's partner to implement.

* Just because you're both interested in power exchange doesn't mean that the same frame model works for you in the same way.

* Just because some sort of power dynamic relationship is appealing doesn't mean that any specific of model or structure for it will work with any particular partner.

* It's possible to sub-drop without having had enough of the warm fuzzy explicit-kink interaction to cushion the landing at all. (This is godawful.)

* Sub-drop when master is unavailable to provide [after]care stinks on ice.

* Even if one doesn't go in for the whole 'training your slave' thing explicitly, the shape of things tends towards kink-as-self-improvement-tool, and not just in building up those oral sex skills.

* That trend doesn't just affect the sub.

* Sometimes the power dynamic can be used to break through otherwise intractable communication blockages. Sometimes one doesn't want to bite one's master after that trick gets pulled. Much.

* The protocols of the relationship persist even when one is cranky at one's partner, and maintaining them in that situation is even more important than when they're a joy, or sexy, or whatever else.

* When something has gone wrong, all those little things that normally reinforce the dynamic will fall flat -- at best.

* A sharp and attentive partner will notice that the buttons are not being successfully pushed, back off, and work on fixing what's interrupting the natural flow of the dynamic.

* Knowing when to push and when to let be is a critical skill for managing a sub.

* And for managing a dom, for that matter.

* "Power exchange" is a poor word for "power differentiation". Maybe "power centrifuging"? "Power clarifying". Like butter? Mmm, butter.

* People who object to d/s on the basis of restrictions on the submissive confuse me, because having a clearly established, naturally flowing, and focused place in the universe is one of the most freeing things I've ever encountered, somewhere from which it is so easy to be powerful.

* I am irrationally annoyed by people who figure that the only real 24/7 element in my relationship with my liege (who I do not live with or see daily) is some sort of chastity kink or moratorium on wanking off. I'm not sure if this would be more or less annoying if it actually had relevance or accuracy.

* Watching television with him stroking my neck and shoulder is not a 'scene', but it's damned sure d/s.

* Having a genuine other person existing outside one's head involved means that sometimes things happen that one never would have thought of in the first place. Some of those things are hot. All of them expand the mind a little to encompass a larger possibility than imaginable before.


I'll finish up with a link to the best writing I've seen about the sort of kink that I do in the past long while, here, with its followup post here. The author is working within a particular religious tradition, which I somewhat share.