A couple folks I know have posted about the changes in their cognitive patterns relating to going through transition (in addition to the more publically visible physical and social effects thereof).
The most recent one of these left me with this sort of wistful wish to live in the future, where I can run my brain experimentally on a different hormonal soup for a while to see how the world looks different then. Whether the colours change. Whether my emotional lability changes. How I frame things, how my mind stretches to different conclusions. And so on.
The shape of my mind at the moment is something that I know is chemically moderated -- if it wasn't, as before noted, I wouldn't be as religious about taking my vitamins as I am -- and the process of watching it wobble when poked is something that I fascinates me. (For the sex end of things, 'altered consciousness' is one of the things I'm after in a lot of my kink.) The sex hormone soup I've only skimmed the edges of, with nonconsensual altered consciousness effects from first a pill formulation that had so little testosterone it rendered my psyche into monochrome (I think that it's one of the standard hormone balances, which is an interesting factoid that I don't know how to render meaningful) and later one where the 'inactive' ingredients aggravated my depression.
Back when I was partnered with someone colourblind (*waves*) I would occasionally have fleeting moments of wondering what the world looked like to someone with an invisible six. Then I learned about tetrachromatism, and I started wondering what the world looked like through those eyes, too. It's a similar urge, the expanding of perception, the wanting to be able to see what it's like from over there.
The striving after the impossible.
I want to live in the future ....
19 July, 2007
I Want To Live In The Future (Bodies 2)
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"Dw3t-Hthr" (Duat-Hether) is a title of various female temple officials in ancient Egypt. It means "Worshipper of Hathor" or "Adorer of Hathor".
1 comment:
*waves*
As you already note, we are already controlling the chemical makeup of who we are on a regular basis, whether it be through vitamins or vegeterianism or (like me!) happy psychotropics. It's just that right now all of that is crude manipulation (although my previous company would be one of those trying to make it less crude).
Having experienced something akin to what you're talking about, the best way to understand it is generally quite simply: the human mind is built in such a way that it takes very large contrasts to register as something wrong in the first place. I've seen those parallel existences you talk about, and I describe my experience with them as "trying to find the correct one." It can be a hall of mirrors. There was a point where I asked several people, "How am I supposed to know if I'm normal if I've never experienced it in the first place?"
I've always said about my mostly-colorblindness that my best guess is that it's normal color perception with the contrast turned down. If I keep the brightness up but turn the contrast down, I get a general fade to wash, which I think is correct. And we won't talk about the "oh, other people don't have music going through their heads all the time?" problem. You know that one.
I've always wanted that alternate ecstatic consciousness as well, I just was always afraid that if I did find it, it would consume me quite quickly. (Looking back, I think I was quite correct.) Regardless, my friends mostly share the same idea, although they have quite different ways of expressing it. One even created a whole mythical future-society based on things like that. Wonderful vision, that is.
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